(English Below)
私より少し若い友人が、6年前に闘病の末に亡くなりました。そして先日、七回忌のお知らせをいただきました。日本では亡くなった年も含めて数えるため、七回忌は亡くなってから6年後に行われる法要です。
彼女は入退院を繰り返す日々でしたが、退院するとすぐに旅行に出かけたり、一緒においしいものを食べに行ったりして、最後まで人生を楽しむことを諦めない人でした。いつも新しいことにチャレンジしていて、一緒にいると刺激を受け、たくさんの元気をもらいました。
再び入院が決まるたびに「今のうちに会わないと」と強く思い、週末ごとにお見舞いに通いました。会えるうちはまだ元気なのだと、自分に言い聞かせながら。心のどこかでは「まだまだいける」と信じていましたが、現実はそう甘くありませんでした。がんはあちこちに転移し、彼女を最後まで苦しめました。
ちょうどその頃、コロナが流行し始め、お見舞いは家族限定となり、面会にも行けなくなってしまいました。
彼女の死を知ったのは、それから1か月後のことでした。旅立つ時は自分で決めている、と聞いたことがありますが、ちょうど皆の仕事の休みに合わせて、亡くなってくれたように思えます。お葬式では泣き続け、「泣いても泣いても、涙は枯れないんだなぁ」と、妙に冷静な気持ちで感心したことも覚えています。
私はふだん霊の存在をあまり信じない方ですが、ちょうど死後四十九日に、彼女が夢に出てきてくれました。日本では仏教の考えに基づき、人は亡くなってから四十九日まではこの世とあの世の間にいるとされ、この日を境にあの世へ旅立つと考えられています。
「今から遠くに行かなあかんねん。バイバイ！」
そう言って手を振り、ものすごい速さで駆けていきました。彼女は最後の頃、車椅子だったのに、夢の中では信じられないほど軽やかに走っていて驚きました。走り去る後ろ姿を見ながら、私は思わず「元気でね〜！」と大きな声で叫んで見送りました。今思えば、亡くなった人に「元気でね」と言うのは少し変ですね。
彼女はきっと、私の心がいつもそばにあることを感じ取ってくれていたのだと思います。そして、律儀な彼女らしく、夢の中でお別れを伝えに来てくれたのだと信じています。
Written by Ritsuko Sensei
Written by Ritsuko Sensei
ENGLISH VERSION
My friend, who was a bit younger than me, passed away six years ago after a long battle with illness. The other day, I received a notice about her seventh-year memorial service. In Japan, the year of death is also counted, so a seventh-year memorial is held six years after someone passes away.
My friend spent her days going in and out of the hospital, but whenever she was discharged, she would immediately go on trips, or we would go out together to eat something delicious. She was someone who would never give up on enjoying life until the very end. She was always trying something new, and being with her inspired me so much, and I felt so lively thanks to her.
Every time she had to be hospitalized again, I thought “I have to see her while I still can!”, and I visited her at the hospital weekend after weekend. And I kept telling myself that she was still doing fine, since she could still meet me. Somewhere in my heart, I believed, “She can keep going”. But reality wasn’t that kind. The cancer spread throughout her body and made her suffer until the end.
Around that time, COVID began to spread, and hospital visits were limited to family members only, so I could no longer go see her.
I heard about her death one month later. I once heard that people choose the moment they depart, and it felt as if she passed away to fit everyone’s time off from work. At her funeral, I couldn’t stop crying. I even remember thinking – strangely calmly – “No matter how much you cry, your tears don’t actually run out”.
Usually, I’m not someone who strongly believes in spirits. But on the 49th day after her death, she appeared in my dream. In Japan, based on Buddhist beliefs, it is said that for the first 49 days after death, a person remains between this world and the other world. And after that, they will set off for the other side.
In the dream, she said,
“I’ve gotta go far away now. Bye bye!”
She waved her hand and ran off so fast. Near the end of her life, she had been in a wheelchair, so I was shocked to see her running so lightly in my dream. It felt almost impossible. Watching her from behind as she ran away, I unconsciously shouted “Take care! Stay well!” as I saw her off. Thinking about it now, it’s a little strange to tell someone who has passed away to stay well, isn’t it?
But I believe she must have sensed that she was always close to my heart. And, being the thoughtful person she is, I believe she really did come to my dream to say goodbye.
